which is an enjoyable show by the way, I’ve come to realize either the film industry likes to portray the general public as morons… or Hollywood is merely a reflection of ourselves, and we as a society are morons. (editors note: considering Hollywood’s stand on most political and environmental issues – the latter may be the case).
Back to Zombies! Unless you want to be one of the aimless walking dead. Here are a few basic things you should consider about the whole Zombie scenario.
First: Go watch Zombieland (the movie) – It effectively covers the basic rules (cardio, doubletap…) so I won’t go into those here.
Second: The military (WHAT! EPIC FAIL! EVERYTIME!). Ok - This lady survives
And these guys – the high tech, well trained, bad ass butt kicking military, with tanks, helicopters, 50cal machine guns ALWAYS have an epic fail.
So I can only conclude;
A) The military Zombie Battle Plan is seriously flawed – and it must be impossible for the rapid response, high tech military to execute against slow walking enemies who don’t shoot back, don’t hide, and wander aimlessly….
Or
B) The entire military was the source of the infection in the first place – thanks to some required immunization or something..
So what does that mean to you, Joe and Jane clueless public?
IF YOU SEE ZOMBIES and THE MILITARY – RUN! Run the other way, do not approach the war zone, because the military is going to cluster f – it up big time. You have been warned, because within 24 hours only wrecked tanks, helicopters and lots of zombies will remain.
Third. BULLDOZERS BULLDOZERS BULLDOZERS…
Don’t go get a sports car, don’t hide in some open area coliseum, or run to the forest. (Seriously when was the last time you up and survived in the forest?). Take advantage of the confusion. Go to some construction area and get a BULLDOZER for EVERY member of your surviving party. Put a chain link fence around the cab… and you own the city.
In the show; This lady tells the survivors – stay together while you look for mushrooms and frogs… What!
I say; Kids – don’t leave your bulldozer! Now get outside and play – I’m going shopping, IN MY BULLDOZER..
Four. Shopping..
Drag them back to your favorite shopping center and seal off the parking lot stacked two or three high… (You may need a forklift or crane – ok – go get one).
Now you’ve got limited supplies and shelter… time to start removing the Zombie threat…..
Five. Basic Zombie fun.
Zombies like noise… live people noise. So go pickup some MP3 players, IPODS, whatever, and a few mannequins. Put the mannequins in funny people poses, and record something on the MP3 player like this….
Dig a really big pit (with your BULLDOZER) … and construct a trap door over the pit. Put your mannequins with MP3 sound blasting scene on the other side of the drop. Then just kick back and watch the Zombies fall in one, two, three, four…ha ha. You won’t kill them, but some spikes will bust-em up some. Create an exit path back to the pit entrance and they can loop endless – wearing down each cycle.
Back on the roof tops… build walkways between buildings (you’ll need that crane again) with trap doors in the walkway(s)… Paint a giant target ring on the street below and you can gamble cans of spam (the only real money left) on which zombie with get the best score – all the while eating Pringles, Twinkies, beer and canned meat… good times!
- authors note: When I started writing this, I considered any Zombie scenario as remote as a vampire crisis, despite the repeating theme in movie and TV. Then in a Eureka moment, I realized any serious glitch in the WWW disabling the phone network, and we would have 65million teenagers wandering aimlessly pounding their texting devices like zombies, which surely could trigger an epic fail by the military.
